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The recent advances in technology have allowed us to have easy access to information and resources that our grandparents and their parents thought impossible.

Although these changes have improved in many ways our quality of life, we as humans do not adapt to the speed with which they arise and we end up lost in the midst of such information. This is an era where time seems to pass faster and we cannot afford to make decisions based on our goals and dreams.

Therefore, the time passing by, especially in the Western world, has become something terrifying.

Parenting, as we have said in other articles in this blog, involves a big change in our lives and the acceptance of the responsibility that parenthood entails. Hence, for many this role may be too overwhelming, especially because the children growth is, for the parents, one of the most objective signal of the time passing by. They grow and remind us that we are also growing, that we are adults. For this reason, many times, the challenge of parenthood may bring anxiety.

The fear of aging together with the fear of repeating the patterns we experienced with our parents (especially if they were extremely authoritarian) create fertile ground to become «parent-friends». We opt for a way where the most affected are our children, who raise ‘orphans’ while living with their «parent-friends». «Parents-Friends» are a recent phenomenon for families at any stage. However, the effects show clearly when children move from childhood to adolescence.

Generally, children with parents-friends do not have respect for the authority; they lack a leader at home and may decide to get that role.

This is achieved either by whims or attacks; however, we can also meet children «who got adults quickly’. In both cases, the problem is that «Children are weak facing a world they cannot control and do not know how to deal with, they feel helpless and empty.» (Tripaldi, 2015. pp 59).

Being «parent-friends» affects the development of our children in a profound way, because:

1. The role of parents is to protect and educate their children. Education involves setting limits and discipline. Human beings, especially during childhood, feel they have to know their behaviors are limited and bring to consequences. Through discipline, our children learn how to live together as part of a community, they prepare to respect others, to be organized, to adapt to the world: discipline is subsequently converted into self-discipline.

Moreover, having limits makes our children feel protected and enable them to develop their sense of control. They will begin to implement new behaviors and skills within a safe and predictable environment. Also, parents have the possibility to transmit to the children a vision of the safe/unsafe world, which will then influence the development of self-esteem and self-confidence, and how they face the challenges that the world propose them.
2. From the kind of relationship we have with our children, they will learn how to relate to other people, including their friends. Therefore, we are the first socializing agents. The bond we have with our children will allow them to develop social skills and establish other emotional ties in the future. When the attachment is unsafe, children grow up with low self-esteem and self-confidence, which will prevent to establish healthy relationships with others (Allen, J. et al 1998;. Kochanska, 2010 G et al.).
3. Being a parent means being identified as a person who becomes a role model and to which we turn when we face a serious problem in our lives. If our children identify us with a friend, in a moment when they have a problem that need not only emotional support (as can be given by any friend) but solutions, they will find themselves without guides. They will be forced to make impulsive decisions without taking into account risks and impacts.

Being «parent-friends» may seem a new form of parenting style, where the children are free to explore the external without limitations and impositions. However, we should ask ourselves, if the continuous increase in diseases in childhood and adolescence (such as depression, anxiety, etc.) may be related to a ‘society of orphaned children’, Sinay (2011). It is not about becoming rigid and authoritarian parents, but the goal should be to achieve the balance between affection (the ability to respond to the needs of children with acceptance, sensitivity and positive affectivity) and control, which involves clear rules are set and development is monitored (Tripaldi, 2015). Our children have and can have many friends, while parents are unique for the role.

References:

Allen, J .; Moore, C .; Kuperminc, G. & Bell, K. (1998) Attachment and Adolescent Psychosocial Functioning. Child Development. October 1998; 69 (5): 1406-1419.
Kochanska, G .; Woodard, J .; Kim, S .; Koenig, J.L. .; Eun Yoon, J. & Barry, R.A. (2010) Positive Socialization Mechanisms in Secure and Insecure Parent-Child dyads: Two Longitudinal Studies. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. September; 51 (9): 998-1009. doi: 10.1111 / j.1469-7610.2010.02238.x.
Sinay, J. (2011) Society of orphaned children: when parents abandon their responsibilities and functions. Ediciones B: Buenos Aires.
Tripaldi, D. Adolescence, depression and sense (1st ed.) Buenos Aires: Editorial Universidad de Flores. 2015. ISBN 978-987-710-047-1