Jealousy is physiological and it is also an extraordinary opportunity for growth. The emotion at its base is the fear of losing the love of mom and dad. Therefore it must be recognized and accepted as a normal emotion. In such way the children learn to express it and manage it adequately.
What if this emotion is not recognized? There is a chance that it can create aggressive behaviour, potentially with long-term consequences. Some studies show how jealous people often could not express their jealousy and their aggression as children; as a result, they do not know how to handle these emotions as adult people.
Getting prepared as a family for the arrival of the little sibling can reduce the fears of the firstborn. Here are some recommendations:
1. Talk with your children, for example to the help of a book, of all the benefits that come from not being an only child. Involving children throughout all the process, starting with the pregnancy, will make them feel part of the event, thus reducing the fear of being alone. A good strategy is having the new child coming with a «special gift» to the older brother/sister on the day of birth.
2. Keep some «surprise» aside for the older sibling to deliver when your friends and relatives will bring presents to the new born baby.
3. Give a role right away to help them feel important and useful. Emphasize the privilege of being a big brother; if the new born is already the third one in the family, then it would be to point out that the eldest will develop even more his role as ‘big brother’ and the one who used to the youngest will become for the first time a «big brother».
4. Enhance a personal character quality that can distinguish him from other siblings.
5. Do not compare brothers or sisters, as this behaviour generates rivalry.
6. Love is multiplied. The jealousy between brothers has its origins from the fear of having to share the love of mum and dad with a newcomer. Always remind them that we love them unconditionally, to reassure them that they will not lose us.
7. Dividing the toys is important; this gives the opportunity to learn respect for things that are not ours, the space and particularity of each child.
8. Optimize time and guarantee plenty of love and attention. Involve all our children as much as possible and make the most of their help. Organizing special activities with and for each child will give them more confidence about our love.
Once the baby has arrived, keep an eye on these attitudes to identify his jealousy:
– Regression to a more childhood state;
– Aggression towards parents;
– Aggression towards the second-born;
– Excessive attachment to the newcomer;
– Emotional withdrawal (stops eating, begins to have sleep disorders, speaks and interacts little with adults, seems disinterested, etc.).
What can we do? Here are some tips:
• Ignore the undesired behaviour. Reinforce the desired behaviours through compliments, smiles, hugs.
• Help him/her to understand that what the feelings are perfectly normal (i.e. give meaning to feeling)
• Punish only the most dangerous behaviours; the punishments must be proportionate to the damage and explicitly made if the violate the core «family rules»; they must be consistent. DO NOT USE PHYSICAL PUNISHMENTS.
• Interfere in the relationship between brothers as little as possible, intervening only if there is a real danger or the «family rules» are not respected.
• Do not blame the oldest with the justification that the greatest should be smarted.
• Be patient in listening to our son/daughter.
If you have doubts send me a message or contact a professional psychologist.
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